I am sure you've heard it before from your mom, your friend, the little voice in your head: "How will I know if he/she really loves me?" Well, Whitney definitely hit it on the head when she says "I say a prayer with every heart beat" because it sure can be intimidating to love someone who loves differently than you, but it isn't impossible. I personally think it can be very rewarding to master your partners love language. Everyone you meet will love and want to be loved differently and mastering not only how to love them, but to be able to identify that they are showing you that they love you is a beautiful and necessary task for a balanced and fulfilling relationship. Trying to pretend that I am a professional at these "love languages" would be wrong because I suffer from doubts when my partner loves me different than how I love her, or what I have been made to feel that love looks like. It can be daunting and make you second guess, but when your partner can respond using a marriage of your love languages it can solidify the bond you have, and implement necessary compromise.
This morning I was listening to the radio in my car after the gym. I had brought up the term "love languages" with a group of friends over drinks two weeks ago, and how I had been stuck pushing through this article despite feeling unsure whether I am really a good candidate to be discussing the managing of different ways to love. However, as they became cognoscente of their own languages, and the concept I was trying to convey it became clear that this theory was universal, and gave me the confidence I needed to push on. The radio this morning was more of a reminder that I was being lazy, and that this idea has been presented to the universe, and I was sitting on my hands instead of joining the conversation. It was a popular radio show, one of the KISS stations on my Sirius XM radio, and there was a man talking about how being open to love languages has made him more aware of the efforts being put into relationships. He realized from a "love language quiz" that he could find what he and the person he is dating at the time need in order to feel like they are being properly loved. While this concept is interesting, and they discussed at length bringing this quiz into a conversation while dating someone to open the awareness and conversation of needs I couldn't help but wonder: How consuming it would be to see the answer on your computer screen generated instead of organically feeling and expressing what brings joy with each individual loving encounter or relationship you indulge? Hearing this topic being discussed so confidently as fact, and as necessity made me realize that it is the core of who we are as lovers and how we play with the magic that is love. BUT Can it be firmly depicted by an article that could also predict what form of potato you are right after?Can your love language change? Do you pick up others languages? My vernacular changes weekly so If you dated a foreign language speaker you'd pick up at least a few phrases, so are our love languages forever changing, and is the person constantly working to be fluent in yours constantly learning new phrases and slang you bring to the table?
Opposites attract, right? So you probably speak opposite love languages, and want to be shown in separate ways. This might not be true for everyone, but its true for me However, to make that work you need to find security in accepting the differences between how each of you want to show love and receive love, and finding a way to be true to your definition of love while also respecting the way your partner is asking to be loved. Even as I am writing this I have to constantly remind myself that my girlfriend loves me,and even though she shows it differently than me I need to appreciate that she is showing me she loves me in the way she prefers. Now, I am not saying that I don't still expect her to make gestures with my personal wants in mind, but to realize those are gestures to make me happy and her constant showing of love needs to be in her fluency, and vice versa. As I am learning constantly to identify these fluent acts of love as opposed to the gestures she makes with my love language and needs in mind here are the things I find most prevalent in this dance of linguistics;
1. Your partner doesn't get to use their love language as a way to dismiss your needs or not accommodate you.
*** Know the difference between someone who loves differently, and someone who puts no effort into your relationship. Monetary gestures are not something that you should be using as a replacement to making genuine efforts to make you feel loved. You can not substitute real effort, and you can not make someone want to or feel comfortable expressing love to you in a way you specifically need if they are not willing. Do not sacrifice yourself, or your needs to satisfy anyone. Put yourself first, and learn the difference between compromise, and self sacrifice.
2. The honeymoon stage of your relationship is not a proper portrayal of what your love languages are going to look like!
***My girlfriend and I had a honeymoon stage as long as a deployment so imagine my surprise when we got comfortable, and were no longer making out in public, or playing cat and mouse through text. However, it happens. To everyone. Its called a serious relationship, and making a life, and a life is not a constant pursuit. That would be terrible to chase after something that never reciprocated the stability and longevity of a relationship achievement. The woman who was going out of her way to leave notes on my car every day after work, and staying up 2 am while she was in school to talk to me during my bar tending shifts is long gone. Shes been replaced with someone else, but that's not bad, its growth. If her love language were to remain as rigorous as when she was wooing me as it is now while shes maintaining a relationship with me that would have been exhausting, overbearing, and to be frank, expensive. By seeing her max capabilities of romance it makes the little blurbs of those times when I do get morning affirmation post its on my mirror and cereal box that much sweeter. She shows me now who she really is and how I fit into that, and lets the gestures that are less in her character remind me of the hot pursuit that got us here. We spent months all over each other, and doing outlandish gestures to "win" each others affections, but THIS IS NOT THE END GAME. The honeymoon stage ends at the first fart, and the truth starts coming out, and much like the fart in question if this shift comes silently with no communication it could be deadly to your relationship. Your significant other is not going to buy you extravagant dinners or bring flowers once a week for the rest of forever, I'm sorry. That isn't an expression of love, that is constant courtship. Know the difference. When my girlfriend is too nice or overly generous with me consecutive days in a row she is either sorry, or bribing me. (Its okay to laugh, I'm KIND OF kidding)
3. If your partner is loving you in the best way they know how, show gratitude. Love is earned, not obligated.
***My girlfriend is not a talker. She is not extroverted in romance, or in really any social situation. If she makes the effort to leave the house with me to socialize I know that she is making an effort on my behalf, or to push herself out of her comfort zone, and I try to be respectful. When she gives me an inch I don't expect a mile, and I try to check in with her without making the fact that we are doing something out of her norm feel taboo, and pressured. If your love language goes further than communication, and physical touch to where you need your partner to be willing to take risks, and partake in thrills outside of their element, and they do it for you, be grateful. This person is both a grower, and a shower (wink wink) and they are growing as a person to show you that they love you. What also goes hand in hand with this is not making your partner work harder than they already are. My partner is not enthusiastic about me writing about our relationship, I try to refrain unless I need personal example and even then I try to be vague. In addition, she is private with feelings, and compliments. When your person make the effort to be vocal or complimentary when they aren't overly giving with the compliments, accept them, and let them land as intended. We all have insecurities, but a valuable lesson I learned in Acting School is that when someone compliments your performance you don't counter by saying you think you did better the other night, or that was actually the worst performance you have ever given. We as humans tend to want to beat people to the punch when dismissing ourselves to protect our insecurities. However, the only problem with this is that when you counter a compliment with a deterrent you are telling that person who went out of their way to affirm you that your opinion is better than theirs. You are dismissing them, and rejecting a verbal gift. Soooo when your significant other makes the effort to make you aware that you are a "hottie" (bae's words not mine") say thanks, and if you need to be a Petty Betty throw them a "I know you are, but what am I?" which is a much softer deflector.
4. Do not make your partner feel bad about their needs if they don't initially make sense to you.
***My friend once told me that the only promise she made her boyfriend make when they got together was that he always had to get her something to drink whenever she asked. I thought it was silly, and pretty minuscule, but to this day whenever I am interested in someone I always ask myself if they would do this thing for me if I asked. It seemed so minuscule, but it was that he agreed that if it was important to her, it was important. If your partner needs the kitchen cabinets closed, or the dishes done before bed, or the shower curtain closed after every shower, just do it. You don't have to understand, you just have to respect that they have expressed this is something that it important to them. You don't get to decide it is not important to them even though it doesn't seem important to you. It may seem like a pain at first, but it becomes a secret language between you two when their way becomes "our way" not out of obligation, but out of respect.
5. Find compassion and appreciation in the little things.
*** I know I am beating this like a dead horse, but as Robin Williams said in Good Will Hunting" 'Cause you'll have bad times but that'll wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to." Don't settle for scraps of affection, but look for the signs of love all around you. When your partner goes to the grocery store,and picks something out just for you because they know you love it, or they pick your favorite thing for dinner to make you smile recognize that you exchanged the honeymoon stage for those comforts. My girlfriend knows my Chipotle order, my favorite perfume, the correct salad dressing to put on my salad, and my shoe size, and yes, I know that is the surest way to know she loves me. If she didn't, I can promise she wouldn't know those things. She would see, but not notice enough to adapt . If your someone is taking the time to make mental notes of things that solely encompass you, and make you happy they are genuinely trying to be a part of your life, and making a connection with you. When I fall asleep on the couch, even during the biggest falling out she covers me in a blanket. I always fold her laundry and put it in the drawer. I know which underwear and her favorite, and which "comfys" to put near her pillow for bed time. We go out of our way to make things easier for each other, and it has become our way, and it might not be hot and sexy, but its damn comfy cozy, and I run home to her every single day.
6. Your social media is not "the common standard" for a healthy relationship.
***I am going to keep this easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy: being someones #wcw #wce #girlfriend #futurewife #facebookofficial is not everyone's jam. Some people are private. Some people like their accounts to be prepared for professional examination. Some people cant hashtag. If you feel that your partner is hiding you that is an entirely separate trust issue, but if you are just feeling the #FOMO of not having your face plastered all over their lock screen and Instagram maybe inform them that celebrating you, and the relationship you have is part of your love language. However, if you do express this to your partner as a need please evaluate why you feel the need to be recognized publicly, and show appreciation when your partner makes that effort, but if they have a suitable excuse also accept if they do not. they are not obligated to welcome the worlds opinions of you or the relationship you share into their private space.
***DISCLAIMER***
I want everyone reading this to know that not every one of these articles comes very naturally or fluidly to me. I have taken over a month to write this article because I was dealing with my own self-doubt about love languages, and comparing real love and relationships to what is portrayed on social media. I was afraid of writing something that I, myself needed to hear, and have since realized that bringing these realizations to you, my readers, only etches in stone the lessons of love that I have already learned, but time and time again need to re-read. I hope this brings you a sense of security, or at least a sense of relief that we all deserve to be loved in the way that feels best, and that no relationship comes without compromise.
This morning I was listening to the radio in my car after the gym. I had brought up the term "love languages" with a group of friends over drinks two weeks ago, and how I had been stuck pushing through this article despite feeling unsure whether I am really a good candidate to be discussing the managing of different ways to love. However, as they became cognoscente of their own languages, and the concept I was trying to convey it became clear that this theory was universal, and gave me the confidence I needed to push on. The radio this morning was more of a reminder that I was being lazy, and that this idea has been presented to the universe, and I was sitting on my hands instead of joining the conversation. It was a popular radio show, one of the KISS stations on my Sirius XM radio, and there was a man talking about how being open to love languages has made him more aware of the efforts being put into relationships. He realized from a "love language quiz" that he could find what he and the person he is dating at the time need in order to feel like they are being properly loved. While this concept is interesting, and they discussed at length bringing this quiz into a conversation while dating someone to open the awareness and conversation of needs I couldn't help but wonder: How consuming it would be to see the answer on your computer screen generated instead of organically feeling and expressing what brings joy with each individual loving encounter or relationship you indulge? Hearing this topic being discussed so confidently as fact, and as necessity made me realize that it is the core of who we are as lovers and how we play with the magic that is love. BUT Can it be firmly depicted by an article that could also predict what form of potato you are right after?Can your love language change? Do you pick up others languages? My vernacular changes weekly so If you dated a foreign language speaker you'd pick up at least a few phrases, so are our love languages forever changing, and is the person constantly working to be fluent in yours constantly learning new phrases and slang you bring to the table?
Opposites attract, right? So you probably speak opposite love languages, and want to be shown in separate ways. This might not be true for everyone, but its true for me However, to make that work you need to find security in accepting the differences between how each of you want to show love and receive love, and finding a way to be true to your definition of love while also respecting the way your partner is asking to be loved. Even as I am writing this I have to constantly remind myself that my girlfriend loves me,and even though she shows it differently than me I need to appreciate that she is showing me she loves me in the way she prefers. Now, I am not saying that I don't still expect her to make gestures with my personal wants in mind, but to realize those are gestures to make me happy and her constant showing of love needs to be in her fluency, and vice versa. As I am learning constantly to identify these fluent acts of love as opposed to the gestures she makes with my love language and needs in mind here are the things I find most prevalent in this dance of linguistics;
1. Your partner doesn't get to use their love language as a way to dismiss your needs or not accommodate you.
*** Know the difference between someone who loves differently, and someone who puts no effort into your relationship. Monetary gestures are not something that you should be using as a replacement to making genuine efforts to make you feel loved. You can not substitute real effort, and you can not make someone want to or feel comfortable expressing love to you in a way you specifically need if they are not willing. Do not sacrifice yourself, or your needs to satisfy anyone. Put yourself first, and learn the difference between compromise, and self sacrifice.
2. The honeymoon stage of your relationship is not a proper portrayal of what your love languages are going to look like!
***My girlfriend and I had a honeymoon stage as long as a deployment so imagine my surprise when we got comfortable, and were no longer making out in public, or playing cat and mouse through text. However, it happens. To everyone. Its called a serious relationship, and making a life, and a life is not a constant pursuit. That would be terrible to chase after something that never reciprocated the stability and longevity of a relationship achievement. The woman who was going out of her way to leave notes on my car every day after work, and staying up 2 am while she was in school to talk to me during my bar tending shifts is long gone. Shes been replaced with someone else, but that's not bad, its growth. If her love language were to remain as rigorous as when she was wooing me as it is now while shes maintaining a relationship with me that would have been exhausting, overbearing, and to be frank, expensive. By seeing her max capabilities of romance it makes the little blurbs of those times when I do get morning affirmation post its on my mirror and cereal box that much sweeter. She shows me now who she really is and how I fit into that, and lets the gestures that are less in her character remind me of the hot pursuit that got us here. We spent months all over each other, and doing outlandish gestures to "win" each others affections, but THIS IS NOT THE END GAME. The honeymoon stage ends at the first fart, and the truth starts coming out, and much like the fart in question if this shift comes silently with no communication it could be deadly to your relationship. Your significant other is not going to buy you extravagant dinners or bring flowers once a week for the rest of forever, I'm sorry. That isn't an expression of love, that is constant courtship. Know the difference. When my girlfriend is too nice or overly generous with me consecutive days in a row she is either sorry, or bribing me. (Its okay to laugh, I'm KIND OF kidding)
3. If your partner is loving you in the best way they know how, show gratitude. Love is earned, not obligated.
***My girlfriend is not a talker. She is not extroverted in romance, or in really any social situation. If she makes the effort to leave the house with me to socialize I know that she is making an effort on my behalf, or to push herself out of her comfort zone, and I try to be respectful. When she gives me an inch I don't expect a mile, and I try to check in with her without making the fact that we are doing something out of her norm feel taboo, and pressured. If your love language goes further than communication, and physical touch to where you need your partner to be willing to take risks, and partake in thrills outside of their element, and they do it for you, be grateful. This person is both a grower, and a shower (wink wink) and they are growing as a person to show you that they love you. What also goes hand in hand with this is not making your partner work harder than they already are. My partner is not enthusiastic about me writing about our relationship, I try to refrain unless I need personal example and even then I try to be vague. In addition, she is private with feelings, and compliments. When your person make the effort to be vocal or complimentary when they aren't overly giving with the compliments, accept them, and let them land as intended. We all have insecurities, but a valuable lesson I learned in Acting School is that when someone compliments your performance you don't counter by saying you think you did better the other night, or that was actually the worst performance you have ever given. We as humans tend to want to beat people to the punch when dismissing ourselves to protect our insecurities. However, the only problem with this is that when you counter a compliment with a deterrent you are telling that person who went out of their way to affirm you that your opinion is better than theirs. You are dismissing them, and rejecting a verbal gift. Soooo when your significant other makes the effort to make you aware that you are a "hottie" (bae's words not mine") say thanks, and if you need to be a Petty Betty throw them a "I know you are, but what am I?" which is a much softer deflector.
4. Do not make your partner feel bad about their needs if they don't initially make sense to you.
***My friend once told me that the only promise she made her boyfriend make when they got together was that he always had to get her something to drink whenever she asked. I thought it was silly, and pretty minuscule, but to this day whenever I am interested in someone I always ask myself if they would do this thing for me if I asked. It seemed so minuscule, but it was that he agreed that if it was important to her, it was important. If your partner needs the kitchen cabinets closed, or the dishes done before bed, or the shower curtain closed after every shower, just do it. You don't have to understand, you just have to respect that they have expressed this is something that it important to them. You don't get to decide it is not important to them even though it doesn't seem important to you. It may seem like a pain at first, but it becomes a secret language between you two when their way becomes "our way" not out of obligation, but out of respect.
5. Find compassion and appreciation in the little things.
*** I know I am beating this like a dead horse, but as Robin Williams said in Good Will Hunting" 'Cause you'll have bad times but that'll wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to." Don't settle for scraps of affection, but look for the signs of love all around you. When your partner goes to the grocery store,and picks something out just for you because they know you love it, or they pick your favorite thing for dinner to make you smile recognize that you exchanged the honeymoon stage for those comforts. My girlfriend knows my Chipotle order, my favorite perfume, the correct salad dressing to put on my salad, and my shoe size, and yes, I know that is the surest way to know she loves me. If she didn't, I can promise she wouldn't know those things. She would see, but not notice enough to adapt . If your someone is taking the time to make mental notes of things that solely encompass you, and make you happy they are genuinely trying to be a part of your life, and making a connection with you. When I fall asleep on the couch, even during the biggest falling out she covers me in a blanket. I always fold her laundry and put it in the drawer. I know which underwear and her favorite, and which "comfys" to put near her pillow for bed time. We go out of our way to make things easier for each other, and it has become our way, and it might not be hot and sexy, but its damn comfy cozy, and I run home to her every single day.
6. Your social media is not "the common standard" for a healthy relationship.
***I am going to keep this easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy: being someones #wcw #wce #girlfriend #futurewife #facebookofficial is not everyone's jam. Some people are private. Some people like their accounts to be prepared for professional examination. Some people cant hashtag. If you feel that your partner is hiding you that is an entirely separate trust issue, but if you are just feeling the #FOMO of not having your face plastered all over their lock screen and Instagram maybe inform them that celebrating you, and the relationship you have is part of your love language. However, if you do express this to your partner as a need please evaluate why you feel the need to be recognized publicly, and show appreciation when your partner makes that effort, but if they have a suitable excuse also accept if they do not. they are not obligated to welcome the worlds opinions of you or the relationship you share into their private space.
***DISCLAIMER***
I want everyone reading this to know that not every one of these articles comes very naturally or fluidly to me. I have taken over a month to write this article because I was dealing with my own self-doubt about love languages, and comparing real love and relationships to what is portrayed on social media. I was afraid of writing something that I, myself needed to hear, and have since realized that bringing these realizations to you, my readers, only etches in stone the lessons of love that I have already learned, but time and time again need to re-read. I hope this brings you a sense of security, or at least a sense of relief that we all deserve to be loved in the way that feels best, and that no relationship comes without compromise.
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