Out of My Box: My Personal Review of Masturbation and The Satisfyer Vibrator

 (TW-assault, PTSD, Depression, Graphic or Explicit content to follow. )

                        There are a lot of things I try to keep private in my writing. My intention is never to be explicit, or graphic because I suppose I always fear that someone close to me will find that bit of my writing and think ill of me, and that which I strive to create. Well, today I would like to encourage them to run from this post if they are uncomfortable with explorations of the female mind, body, and orgasm...because that's what you are going to get with the product I am reviewing with my long time friend, and collaborator, Luna. 

                    In the pursuit of women lifting up women I have never been shy about my support for women in explorations and endeavors of sex work, sexual health, or women's health in general, even if my work portrays a luke warm pool for those looking for a deep dive into these parts of themselves. Thankfully, my friend Luna is a sexual activist, enthusiast, sex work positive, a good friend, and a non judgmental source of information. She is not only a business woman, but a friend to all those who reach out to her about subjects that are commonly taboo, and is furthering her education in sexual wellness to be able to serve us all from a place of both compassion and knowledge. I am proud to know her, and build her up, and her support has encouraged me to write this to explore these tender areas with all of you. 

TW: I am posting another trigger warning to encourage those who don't feel comfortable exploring notions of pleasure after assault or mental health diagnosis. Please proceed to a different article, or to the bottom for a brief factual review of the product with links to the "lunalandshop". 

                I am no expert on sexual health, sexual feelings, or really sex in general. Most of us aren't despite the biographies on tinder pages, and dm sliding alike. However, I have been told to, "go fuck myself" enough that it dawned on me that maybe I should start. My upbringings with sex, or my sexuality at least were...askew. Realizing I was gay, and then feeling like I needed to suppress that information confused me on what sex in my future was going to look like, but at 14, unlike a lot of my friends around me I knew that it was not allowed to be part of my present. The first time I heard the word masturbation was at a sleepover when I was 13. I was late to the party because my cousin had a gymnastics birthday party the same night so I was doing double party duty. While at the party a gymnast there did a flip on a trampoline into me, kicking me off, and landing me open legged, crotch first onto the balance beam below. I don't remember the pain, but I remember the feeling of blood dropping between my legs. My mom and grandmother rushed me to the bathroom and decided this act had started my period. No one mention that perhaps my hymen had been broken by the impact, or that my clitoris might be impacted. A period, that must be it! On to the next party I went. 

            "I got my period!"(No, I didn't). I was so excited to not be the last to get it after years of studying the pages of, "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret". Alas, I was the last, and no one was impressed, and I didn't actually get my period until my 8th grade graduation, and by that point I was so secretive about my body that I didn't tell anyone until my mom noticed her pads used for ovary cysts had gone missing, and my dog ate my bloody underwear (not the first intimate thing my dogs have eaten, but we will get there). While my thrust off of the trampoline into womanhood might not have impressed my "friends" at the time, it did ignite a conversation I found much more interesting. A girl...lets call her Jackie (mostly because that's her real name and she will never read this) said, "My mom said now that I can get pregnant I'm not allowed to have sex, but I can masturbate". 

"Oh, totally"!, and then I am sure I followed that up with something like, "makes sense". 

        As if I was aware in the least what the fuck she was talking about, but it wasn't until they all started to compare how they masturbate that I had to finally suck it up and ask what that was. 

"Touching yourself. "

"Duh".

        Duh. I felt so dumb, and to be honest I have felt pretty dumb and insecure about my own self pleasure, and whether or not I was entitled to it ever since. You see at this time, whether I was subconsciously aware or not, my innocence was being extracted from me over and over again for years. Being a survivor of sexual assault, especially as a child has the power to change your entire relationship with sex, and make your body feel like it isn't your own. It wasn't until high school that I finally ventured into myself looking for pleasure, or honestly even knowing that I had the ability to inflict it. I managed it, and yearned for it, but at 17 I took it into my own hands....and I bought a vibrator. 

            Our local Adult Mart became a fascination of mine. I wanted to go with all of my friends. We all bought the same bullet vibrator in every color to match. In the height of FourSquare I was the "mayor" of the downtown sex store...before I had ever orgasmed. Looking back my utter need to be there and be surrounded by sexual acceptance and promotion is almost sort of sad, but it was a safe place. When my friends joined me I felt less alone, and that sexual things were approachable. The first time I used that bullet I swear to God I thought I was having a heart attack because who the fuck knew that your body could even do that, amiright? So, by now I am sure you are thinking she found her outlet for her sexual energy through a sex toy store, and thus, the toy itself, right? Wrong. 

            That was the last vibrator I bought for 8 years. It died about 2 years later. I actually still have it, and it lives in my drawer, and it has literal rust on it. Now thinking about it I should throw it away because I try to avoid the need for a tetanus shot. After its death I met my first girlfriend and from there began to experience my first partner sexual experiences. However, that ended as quickly as it started. My PTSD from past trauma came back to haunt me, and the distance I felt from my partner at the time only made me feel less and motivated to have sex. Things that should have felt new and exciting felt familiar in a way that left me unsettled and frightened. I felt like a stranger in my body, I would cry or have panic attacks when I would orgasm, and to be honest I was in a relationship that had died many years prior so there was no comfort to be found. I spent years not wanting sex, or feeling like I just wasn't able to have any sort of sexual relationship with anyone, including myself. If I could muster the energy it would be a shallow act, and normal leaving me feeling very naked in more than just a literal sense. I would feel sick, I would feel the hands of those who weren't present, and I had so little control over my sexuality at that point that I couldn't even pleasure myself in a safe mindset. 

            Flash forward. After 5 years of breakups and stagnant emotional connection I leave my relationship, and enter therapy to face my repressed cognitive sexual abuse. In a summation that went on for years and year, I struggled. I thought I was doomed sexually, and that this would be my reality with every partner and masturbation was a daunting act that made me lonelier. Shortly after ending my slew of disastrous attempts and relations I entered a relationship that felt scary, and happy, and tempting in a way I had never felt. I found safety in a partner, and a place where sexual expression eventually could develop. With the patience of someone who loves me, who I could reciprocate that love and passion for I found a place to have my a healthy sexual partner for the first time in my life....but were not here to talk about partner connections. 

I know, I know. Where's the fucking vibrator?

        So years into my stable relationship where I am having sex consistently for the first time I have to endure the realization that my sexual satisfaction is being completely dictated by my partner sex, and when that varies I am acting out based on a physical need. You know why? Because I have no sexual relationship with myself. While flipping through the pages of Cosmopolitan I see a coupon for a vibrator for 20 bucks. Seems legit. It was the best 20 bucks I have ever spent. When the box came I showed my partner, they were introduced, but it became clear this was just for me. It didn't take long for me to get to know the Satisfyer. After a few uses, covered in sweat and ecstasy I was on the highest setting and that vibrator and I were getting on (or off) like old friends. There have been times I have used it daily, and times I have locked her in a drawer for months at a time because of feeling guilty of indulging in pleasuring myself more than with my partner. Over two years I have been on a journey of sexual self actualization with this device. I have hated myself for causing myself such joy instead of having it performed by someone else. I have been afraid to use it because I fear that I am using it to much and having an active sex drive made me disgusting or less desirable. Somewhere in my mind my pleasure felt belittled because it was not given to me by my significant other, and was publicly dismissed as sex. Taking my sexual needs into my own hands for the first time was a scary territory that my mind was programmed to think was wrong. My body had felt like someone else's for so long that, "who was I to dictate when it got to feel good". But now I could any time I wanted to, and that power was too much for me for a while. I would scream with pleasure, and then cry with guilt. Why? Because I didn't know it was okay to have a separate sexual relationship with myself than with my partner. That the deep intimacy I felt with her, and the connect we shared would not be replaced by the physical act of self love I was performing. Even bringing the Satisfyer into my relationship couldn't mend the insecurities it sometimes left behind. How could two AAA batteries do so much that I couldn't? Did this make me an inadequate partner? Was it a crutch? (Spoiler: using sex toys in bed doesn't make you a less adequate partner) This plagued me until I developed a realization that the sex I had with a partner didn't have to run parallel to the sex I was having with myself. One could be deep, and emotional and satisfying, intimate, and fulfilling, and one just physical. Whether or not my intimate situations need a partner, emotion, or physicality at all is varying, and honestly no ones fucking business but mine. 

        This vibrator has allowed me the freedom to not need to test my ability to trust another human to satisfy myself (all pun intended). Having sexual freedom over myself removes pressure on performance in your relationships, it makes space for intimacy with partners that isn't always sexual. Having room in your life to allow things to happen and develop organically without always being driven by carnal necessity is important, and indulging in the most literal form of self love opens a portal to yourself that gives your power and satisfaction in your foundation of self. This vibrator gave me permission, and it continues to give me permission to seek immediate solace inwards when other aspects of my life face me with hurdles. I have become a more versatile lover, and self satisfier because of my willingness to accept that I deserve to feel good, and it's ok if that comes from me and my solitude, or with someone else. You deserve to be satisfied beyond all means and measure. 

Here's a brief, to the point review:

The Satisfyer Vibrator-

Holy fuck this thing is fucking amazing. I have forced no less than four of my friends to buy this already. It's like holding an ice cream cone that sucks on your vagina until you cum 14 times in a row. Warning: You will be a sweaty mess afterwards and possibly in disbelief that your body can do that. It is waterproof, and I have used it in the bath and shower with no problems. The suction cup allows for flexibility in position ie: missionary, standing, kneeling, bent over, laying on stomach, I have tried it all, it works, trust. I think it has like 7 settings, but I gradually turn it up higher and higher until it looks like I am the exorcist sans pea soup. I know I mentioned before it was 20 bucks, but I think the most basic model is a little more expensive now, and it is battery operated. The batteries last months at a time with frequent use. My dogs have eaten this product...twice.....and it still works. The suction cup is rubber and removable so it was chewed, but in tact, and the bottom has teeth marks, but like I said, still works. I mean whose dog hasnt eaten a dildo, right?  Just move on. So water proof, acrobat proof, dog proof, cheap, long lasting, QUIET, and you're gonna have multiple orgasms every time. I would give it 2 thumbs up, but one should be wrapped around this thing at all times. 69 stars out of 5. Thank me later. 

To buy the model closest to mine (basic) listed on The Luna Land Shop please proceed to 

lunaland.shop/ 

and/or follow (@lunalandshop) The Luna Land shop for continued shopping and questions. 

For further models they can be requested on the shop through the shop DM's or on the Satisfyer website. 

Happy Bean Buzzing!

XOXO